My brain says no but my pants say off.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize