I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
