I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
