phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
only you would photoshop your dick
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
