All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
