Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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