My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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