just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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