Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
