I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
