On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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