as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
