i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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