So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
