I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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