The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize