well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
