i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
