so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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