she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why are your pants in the freezer?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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