A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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