I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
