Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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