You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
