Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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