Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
