I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
