It's like God shit irony all over that family
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
