I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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