he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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