they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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