I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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