Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I love you. Go after that dick
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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