Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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