i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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