At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Ketchup is God's man juice
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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