If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
