My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
