Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
