Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
