You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Randomize
