All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
