"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My hand turned me down
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
