My cat gives me a boner
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
