First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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