she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
