dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
