As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
