you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
