apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
