I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
