How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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