You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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