Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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