I want to have your abortion
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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