please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
