he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
