im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
