Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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