i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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